


Breakdown

by madamelibrarian, Mrs_SimonTam_PHD



Series: Mechanics of Love [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Age Difference, Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Bad Anniversaries, Bad Communication, Break Up, Confessions of love, Domestic dispute, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Lucifer is 30, M/M, Make Up, Mentions of Sucidal ideation, Mentions of sucide, Miscommunication, Reconciliation, dean is 18, depressive state, fight, mentions of prior abuse, self harm tw, twink!dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 12:11:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12457512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamelibrarian/pseuds/madamelibrarian, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD/pseuds/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD
Summary: It's been a year since Lucifer started dating Dean, and a personal issue surfaced. Can Lucifer and Dean get past this?





	Breakdown

**Author's Note:**

> Here's part 2 of Mechanics in Love! Madamelibrarian and I hope that you enjoy it! Kind of a doozy, this one is.
> 
> Comments and Kudos feed the bunnies and sweeten the tea.

Lucifer took a long pull from his bottle and rested his head in his hands. 

Today had been a shit day. 

It was the anniversary of Mark’s death, Mark’s mother called and screamed at him, and he had lost two more customers because of his bad temper. 

So now, he was sitting home, drinking with the intent on getting drunk, and waiting for Dean to come over. 

The only good thing in his life, besides the shop that he can barely keep afloat. 

He doesn’t know why Dean was still with him, a year later. He was a grumpy old man with a near failing business; Dean was a handsome young man who should have men lining up. Men that were  _ better for him.  _

He took another pull of his whiskey. Maybe he should let Dean go. 

He drank again. No, he should. Dean has a future. He doesn’t. 

_ But I. . . I love him.  _

_ You can’t love.  _ Dammit, Mark. He drank again, trying to force the demon of his past away.  _ Dean will learn that in time. You can’t love. If you couldn’t love me, it just means you can’t love.  _

He loved Dean. And that’s why he was going to let him go. 

_ Liar, liar, house on fire,  _ Mark taunted. 

“Lucy, I’m home!!” Dean called out happily in his worst Ricky Ricardo impression. The sound of a book bag thumping against the cabinets as he sat it on the floor. Not immediately seeing Lucifer, Dean called out again and started looking around. “You home?”

“Living room,” Lucifer called, his voice slightly slurred as he got up and started walking around. Mark’s voice was still in his head, taunting him just like he used to when they were together. 

Dean rounded the corner, smiling but looking tired from a day of long classes and exams. “Celebrating the end of my semester early?” He asked as he kissed Lucifer’s cheek. “I hope it’s not tequila.” 

“Gross,” Lucifer said, kissing Dean’s cheek back and holding up the now almost empty bottle of whiskey. He blinked at it, almost confused but shook it away, also trying to get Mark’s voice out of his head. “Had a rough day at the shop. Lost two customers,” he offered by way of explanation. 

“That sucks,” Dean replied, not really knowing what to say considering that Lucifer regularly complained about losing customers. “You’ll get more customers or they’ll come back. You’re good at your job. You just need to brush up on the customer service part.” 

Lucifer grunted and nodded. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” he said. He took another pull from the bottle before offering it to Dean. “When do you find out your grades?”

“In about a week. They only give us a two week break between semesters, so they have to move fast.” Dean reached out for the bottle with the intention of taking a little nip before he went to take a shower. 

“Makes sense,” Lucifer said, relinquishing the bottle. 

“I’ll be glad when it’s done. I hate chemistry.” Dean took a long pull from the bottle, draining it of the last swallow. Shuddering at the burning in his throat, he sat the bottle between them.

Lucifer chuckled and gave a nod. “You going to shower before we binge Star Wars?” he asked. 

Dean nodded and leaned over, kissing his cheek before saying playfully like he’d done a hundred times before, “We could watch Jeopardy instead. I hear it’s all the rage with people turning 31 and heading toward 40.” 

Lucifer clenched his jaw. “That your way of saying you want to be with someone your age?” he asked in a clipped tone. For some reason, the age struck home with him. Maybe it was the booze. Maybe it was the day. Maybe it was Mark. For all he knew, it was all three. 

“What?” Dean was surprised by how quickly the conversation had turned and sat back, “I was only joking, Luc’. You know, like I always do.”

Lucifer nodded. “Yeah, but oftentimes jokes have truth behind them.” Oh, that was something he learned with Mark. He looked away and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. 

“Are you trying to tell me that you think I’m screwing you until I find someone else?” Dean asked incredulously, “That’s fucking nuts. I don’t play head games like that.” 

“I don’t know what to think, Dean,” Lucifer said, looking at Dean. “All I know is that there’s a handsome young man with a bright future in my living room who is with an old man like me who has no future.” 

Dean let out a sigh and started to stand up, “It’s an Associates in Science, not a PhD. And I happen to like the ‘old guy’ in this living room.” 

“Oh, why?” Lucifer asked in a disparaging tone. “An inner kink of getting near pedophiles like me and getting your own rocks off?” 

“Excuse me?” Dean rounded on Lucifer and stared at him with wide eyes, “Did you just equate our relationship to a Pedo?”

“Nearly was that, wasn’t it, considering I fuckin’ popped your cherry  _ on  _ your eighteenth birthday,” Lucifer snarked. He turned away. “You should leave me.” 

Dean’s heart clenched in his chest as he watched Lucifer tear their relationship apart one thread at a time. Thankfully, Dean wasn’t willing to give up that easily and was willing to call his bluff and simply said, “No.” 

“Get out, Dean,” Lucifer said in a low voice, staring at the wall. His heart thudded in his chest. He didn’t want to do this. But it was what is best for Dean.

“You don’t want me any more, is that it? Then be a fucking man about it and say so. Tell me to my face, that you don’t care and that you never want to see me again.” Dean said, his voice shaking slightly as he fought back the urge to scream and rail against the unfairness of this. It was sudden and unexpected and he didn’t know how to deal with it. 

Lucifer turned and stared at Dean, taking a deep breath. “Leave. Before I destroy your future.” His voice was low, and dark. 

“That’s martyrdom,” Dean said, taking a step closer. “Say it, Lucifer. Because I’m not breaking up with you over something imagined.” 

“GET OUT!” Lucifer roared. “NOW!” He couldn’t take it, couldn’t take Dean’s eagerness to fix this. “Forget about me, Dean. I’m poison.” 

Dean couldn’t help but stumble back as step when Lucifer yelled at him, his bottom lip quivering the slightest bit as he refused to cry now. So he did the only thing he had left to do; leave. “Fuck you, Lucifer Alighieri and damn you to hell,” Dean hissed before storming out of the house, snatching his bag on the way and slamming the door hard enough to knock a framed picture off the wall.

.oOo.

“Dean, Lucifer’s missing.” 

Michael didn’t want to call Dean. He knew about the break up, from Lucifer calling him two days later crying about how he screwed up his life. He visited his younger brother every day to try to get him to call Dean, explain everything, but he couldn’t make Lucifer do a damn thing. 

And now, Lucifer was missing. 

Dean was the only person he could think of. The police weren’t helping, and Gabriel had no clue that Dean even existed. 

“I wouldn’t call,” Michael said, pinching the bridge of his nose, “But he’s been missing for two days and when I last talked to him, he was beating himself up over breaking up with you. Please. I understand if you never want to hear from him again, but I just want to get Lucifer the help he needs. And I can’t do that if he’s missing.” He was desperate. 

Reluctant wouldn’t be the exact word Dean would use to describe what he was feeling. After he’d left Lucifer’s he’d expected a call within a couple of days. At least an apology for the verbal lashing he’d received even if he never got to see the man again. When he didn’t hear from Lucifer, it crushed Dean. This had been Dean’s first real relationship, or at least it felt like it to him. And now, here was Michael begging him to help a man who’d tore his heart apart. “Have you checked the garage?” Dean asked quietly, cradling his phone against his cheek. 

“Four times, I have my own key,” Michael said. “I tore that shop apart. No sign of him, and his voicemail reroutes. Says he’s taken sick and won’t be in.” He took a deep breath. “Dean. I want you to know that if you don’t want to help find him, I understand. You’re just my last option because of what happened. But for the record, Lucifer is sorry. He’s just shit at saying it. Something about not deserving anything you give him after this, and that sorry won’t make it better. I’ve been trying to get him to at least call you. But, I understand if you don’t want to even hear his name again.”

“A brother saying sorry isn’t the same thing.” Dean looked at the clock and sighed, “Have you tried calling the phone company and having his phone tracked?”

“Yes,” Michael sighed. “Twice now. They keep saying their servers are down or some bullshit. And I know it’s not, but I still felt it was important for you to know.” 

Against his better judgement, Dean grabbed his keys and wallet, “Meet me at Ray’s diner and bring Lucifer’s social security number, birthday. I’ll his location out of the company.” 

“I’ll see you in ten,” Michael said before hanging up. Grabbing his wallet and jacket, he ran out of the house and out.”

.oOo.

Lucifer laid curled up on the grass in the quad, stroking the grass softly. He couldn’t help it, the past three months had been Hell. He’d call Dean to apologize and beg for forgiveness, but always hung up before he could connect. Drove by the community college to talk to him after class but always chickened out. 

“Is this what you wanted, Mark?” he whispered numbly. His voice was rough and hoarse. “For me to be as alone as I made you? For me to feel the same way as you when you stuck the barrel of that gun in your mouth?” 

He shivered and curled in tighter on himself. 

“There!” Michael said, pointing to where Lucifer was curled in a ball. He leaned back in the passenger’s seat of the Impala, recognizing where Lucifer was and he sighed. “Luka,” he whispered. “Why do you torture yourself like this?” 

Dean followed Michael and shut his eyes against the sight of Lucifer laying in the grass. Steeling himself against the surge of emotion at seeing the man he loved like this and stooped down to pick him up in his arms. It was startling to Dean at how much lighter Lucifer felt. “Let’s get him home. Then you can talk all you want.” 

Michael nodded and lead them back to the Impala, shaking his head as he did so. 

.oOo.

Michael opened the door and got Lucifer and Dean inside, tossing Dean a blanket to put around his quivering older brother before going into the kitchen to grab food for Lucifer. Something light.

The fridge was empty. 

Fuck. He went to check the cupboards. 

So are the cupboards.

He and Dean pooled some money together and he volunteered to go out to get groceries. 

Lucifer was curled up in his armchair and picking at the blanket Michael had put around his shoulders, almost looking like he was expecting to get royally bitched out. He couldn’t believe that Dean was here in his living room, jaw clenched and ready to speak but not sure of the words. He watched Dean carefully, ready for the shitstorm. 

Left alone with Lucifer, Dean went to the couch and sat down, not sure how to start at first and then the words just fell out like a confession, “I can’t sleep. Got to used to you calling me. I just lay there all night waiting for a call, but it never comes.”

Lucifer nodded in understanding, before withdrawing his phone and tapping on it before handing it to Dean. It showed that there were so many times that at night, Lucifer would hit the call button but hang up before it connected to Dean’s phone. Several times a night, too. He returned to picking his blanket, never meeting Dean’s eyes. 

Dean looked at it silently and stood up suddenly, not wanting to show how much he’s been hurt and to keep his temper, “I tried to date too. But if I actually went out with anyone I’d be miserable. They were too tall, too short, too serious, too soft...I felt like fucking Goldilocks and the three fucking bears. I haven’t even touched myself. Not even a morning jerk to relieve stress. Didn’t seem worth the effort.” 

Lucifer flinched when Dean stood up and listened to him, nodding along in agreement. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Dean, knowing how much he’d hurt the younger man and also feeling ashamed at himself. What was he supposed to say, anyways? Like apologizing would work.

“And the sad goddamned thing of it all is that…” Dean stared down at the windowsill he was standing in front of, clutching the edge tightly, “I realized that I love you and you couldn’t even find the balls to love me back. So fuck you, Lucifer. Fuck you for making me love someone that I can’t ever have.” 

Lucifer jerked his head up at Dean’s confession, finally finding Dean’s eyes. His own were sunken in and dull, wide in surprise. He clung to himself and looked away when Dean’s gaze turned to intense, inhaling sharply and obviously in distress.

A tear slid down Dean’s cheek and he nodded as if Lucifer’s silence was the answer. His feelings really weren’t reciprocated. Pushing away from the window, Dean gathered up his jacket,  “Michael’ll be back soon. I’ve said my peace and I’ll leave you to yours. Thanks for showing this dumb kid a thing or two. It was educational.”

Lucifer got out of his chair and grabbed Dean by the arm and jerked him back and close to him. “I was scared, Dean,” he said. His voice was hoarse. It was obvious that he hadn’t spoken much in the past three months. “I was so fucking scared. I let the best thing that’s ever happened to me walk out of my life and why? Because I was drunk and had a bad day at work. Surely, I thought, there was someone out there better for you. Yes, I had been thinking that I should let you go, but I thought that you didn’t want to be tied to some old man who can barely keep his own shop open because he’s too brash. I haven’t eaten; I haven’t slept. I can barely go through the motions because everything I do reminds me of you. And I fell hard and fast for you, Dean. I think I fell in love with you the moment you walked up to me in the club.” He gave a hollow laugh. “But who could love me? I thought I was a foolish man.” He let go of Dean’s arm, showing he hadn’t even grabbed Dean that hard- he  _ couldn’t.  _ “If you want to leave, I’ll understand. You deserve far better than me.”

Dean was quiet for what seemed like an eternity before he spoke. His voice sounded rough, like he was fighting every emotion he had inside him. “Do you want me stay? Not because you need a nursemaid but because you want me.”

“I  _ need  _ you, because I want you,” Lucifer said. “Please. . . stay. I need you. I need the stability, the care, the warmth you gave me. I need your smile and I need your simplicity. I need you to hold me and just. . . just. . .” He ducked his head down and away, coughing violently. “Be here because you actually give a fuck about me.”

“Then apologize,” Dean said quietly, “You hurt me, Lucifer. More than anyone. Just… say you’re sorry.” 

“I’m  _ so  _ sorry, Dean,” Lucifer whispered, tears filling his eyes. “Fuck, you have no idea how sorry I am.”

Dean stepped closer to Lucifer and gently took his hand for a moment before pulling him into a hug, “Don’t ever do this to me again. Or I’ll kick your ‘Matlock’ watching ass.” 

Lucifer gave a watery laugh and buried himself into Dean’s arms, shaking slightly. “I won’t,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, Dean. I can’t say it enough.”

“You already have, baby. It’ll take time but we can get back to where we were.” Dean said as he rubbed a hand over his back. 

Lucifer coughed again, hugging Dean tightly as he refused to meet Dean’s eyes again. He whispered the apology again, unable to help himself. Tears started trailing down his cheeks, but he was too tired to brush them away. 

“Alright. We’re both beat to hell and you need some sleep,” Dean brushed the tears from Lucifer’s face, “Let’s get you in bed, then I’ll make you some soup when Mike gets back. Then I’m going home and you’re going to sleep yourself out.” 

Lucifer whimpered very quietly at Dean mentioning leaving, but he nodded all the same, keeping his eyes lowered. “Okay,” he whispered quietly. He was feeling needy, clingy, but he couldn’t be. He shouldn’t be. Dean needed his space after everything that’s happened.

“But by the time Mike gets back and I cook, I doubt I could drive in a straight line,” Dean sighed, “Mind if I crash on you sofa bed?”

Lucifer shook his head, relieved Dean would stay. “No, you can crash here,” he whispered softly. “Let me go get the sheets and blankets from the linen closet.” Slowly, he began to withdraw from Dean’s embrace, still not looking him in the eyes. 

“Luc’,” Dean said gently yet firmly, reaching up to cup his cheek, “I’m upset but it doesn’t change something very important.” 

Lucifer looked up at the firm voice, looking more like he was Dean’s age at that moment. “What?” he asked in a hoarse whisper. 

“I love you.” Dean stated simply. 

“I love you too,” Lucifer whispered back. “I really do, Dean.” He gave a small smile, the first one since Dean left three months ago before slowly making his way to the linen closet. 

As promised, after they made up the sofa bed for Dean, he sat Lucifer in his favorite chair while Dean changed the sheets on Lucifer’s bed and threw the offending linens in the washing machine. When Michael returned with the groceries, he stayed long enough to see them put away and to make sure that Lucifer was going to be alright. Satisfied that the couple wasn’t going to fight anymore that night, he went home and left them to the rest of their night. After feeding Lucifer and, as silly as it felt, tucked him into bed, Dean curled on on the sofa and listened to the rain that had started to fall until he drifted off to sleep. 

Around four in the morning, Lucifer tip toed out to the living room and saw that Dean was asleep. Biting his lip, he hesitantly moved towards the lumpy, highly uncomfortable sofa. He rested a hand on the arm, watching Dean sleep. He should go back to his own bed, he really should. But he couldn’t sleep. He needed... he needed to feel Dean’s arms wrapped around him again, or at the very least near him. 

Quietly, intent on not disturbing him, Lucifer slid onto the smallest sliver of bed he could, holding his breath. Once he was curled up in his corner, he allowed himself to close his eyes. He just hoped that Dean wouldn’t wake up until the morning. He didn’t want to make Dean even more upset, which was why he hadn’t asked for this earlier. 

“What are you doing over there?” Dean grumbled sleepily. He’d half been expecting Lucifer to do this very thing. He’d always been the cuddly type, especially after being upset. He freed the corner of the blankets from under Lucifer and held them open, “Come here.” 

Lucifer’s eyes flew open and when Dean extended the invitation, he slid under the covers and into Dean’s personal space, being careful not to disturb him too much. He opened his mouth to apologize, only to find Dean’s finger over his lips. 

“No talking until coffee is in my hand and the sun is up,” Dean yawned and wrapped his arm around his waist, wiggling and tugging until they were nestled together like spoons. “Get some sleep. You can’t torture customers half asleep.” 

Lucifer nodded and closed his eyes again, falling asleep quickly once he felt Dean nestle back in. 

.oOo.

When his phone went off that morning with his alarm, Lucifer groaned and grabbed his phone to turn it off. Yawning, he stretched in Dean’s arms before getting up and padding into the kitchen to make coffee. He slid on one of his sweatshirts as he waited for coffee to brew, staring out the window. He coughed, loudly, and he scowled at himself, as if to scold himself for attempting to wake Dean.

He knew he should get on with his day- go get dressed, make his bed, brush his teeth, make breakfast, but he couldn’t bring himself to fall into the routine again. He hadn’t been able to for a while now. The only good thing about Dean leaving was he didn’t talk. It was too much effort. He did what his customers wanted and only talked to them about the cars. There were no insults or anything. A couple of his regulars had noticed how sad he was, but he waved them off with a polite smile and went to back inside Diabolical Motors to do more work and invoices. But everything had reminded him of Dean- watching Dean work on cars, handle people, be polite. The sex they’ve had over his Impala and over Lucifer’s Firebird. Everything hurt, and Lucifer hurt with it. 

“Mornin’,” Dean grumbled as he padded into the kitchen wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, “Coffee?”

“Yeah,” Lucifer said, breaking his gaze away from the window before reaching into the cupboards for Dean’s favorite mug. Pouring the coffee in, he handed it to Dean with a small, hesitant smile. 

Humming appreciatively, he leaned against the counter and took a deep sip. Dean didn’t speak until he was halfway through the mug and turned to the pot to freshen it up. During the silence he’d had time to observe Lucifer move around the kitchen like a zombie. There was no thought behind the movements, just automatic reactions to his morning ritual. He could understand why Lucifer was depressed and Dean wasn’t under any delusions that their talk last night would magically cure it, but he could help bring him back to the land of the living. 

“I was thinking,” Dean said as he topped up his mug and added a dash of milk, “you should shut down the shop for the day. Take a mini vacation while we figure things out.”

Lucifer nodded. “I could do that,” he said, “no one is picking anything up today.” He reached for his phone and dialed the shop’s voicemail so he could reroute it, taking a sip of his coffee before it clicked for him to record. “This is Lucifer Alighieri, I am unavailable today. If this is an emergency, give me a call on my personal phone, which would be listed on the business card or the shop window. Thank you for understanding.” Hanging up, he returned to his coffee and almost blank staring out the window.

“Luc,” Dean started quietly as he sat his mug on the counter and wrapped his arms around him, “go take a shower. I’ll make breakfast.”

“No, I can do it,” Lucifer said softly, resting in Dean’s arms. “It’s no big deal.” He had to prove that he did love Dean, he had to prove that he was going to be good to him. 

“You look wiped out still. Let me do breakfast and you can do supper if you’re up to it.” Dean offered with a pat to his stomach, “Besides. You’re kinda stinky.” 

Lucifer gave a light blush and nodded. “Okay,” he whispered softly. Slowly withdrawing from Dean, he padded down to the bathroom to shower, rubbing at his eyes to get the sleep crumbles out from the corners. 

Lucifer came out of the shower about thirty minutes later, scrubbed pink and wearing low rise striped pajama bottoms and a thin white tank top. He smelled breakfast and felt his stomach give a little rumble. He hadn’t eaten much beyond an apple or two a day in three months, with the occasional sandwich or pizza when he felt hungry, and he walked out into the kitchen, still running his fingers through his wet hair and found an absolute spread of food. Eggs, sausage, bacon, pancakes, and a new fresh cup of coffee. 

“This looks good,” he said shyly. “Thank you.” His eyes looked a little less sunken and dull when he met Dean’s.

“Bacon cures cancer,” Dean said with a hint of a smile as he flipped the last of the strips frying in the pan, “Dig in. I’ll be finished in just a second.” 

Lucifer nodded and slid into his seat, piling his plate with small portions of everything. He knew he had essentially been starving himself, and he didn’t want to overwhelm his system with too much food. He started eating, taking his time to chew his food and drink plenty of coffee in between bites. 

Dean joined him with the finished bacon and loaded up a plate of his own, “Why the quad?” he asked without beating about the bush. 

Lucifer’s fork clattered to his plate and he hastily picked it up, hoping Dean wouldn’t notice as he took a large mouthful of eggs so he wouldn’t have to answer right away. 

His eyes flicked up from his plate in time for Dean to see Lucifer shoving food into his mouth. Shaking his head, Dean drowned his bacon and pancakes in syrup. “You don’t have to tell me. Just seemed an odd place to find you is all.” 

Lucifer swallowed his food and sighed, setting his utensils down and drinking a lot of coffee. “You have a right to know,” he said softly. He held his mug close to him, choosing his words carefully. “Do you know why I make a big deal about consent?” he asked softly. “Or why last night when you made a sudden movement, I flinched?” 

“I noticed,” Dean said, a hint of sadness in his voice. 

“The last time I was in a relationship it. . . wasn’t healthy,” Lucifer admitted. “Final year of college. I was close to graduating, and nearly didn’t because I couldn’t get to my internship on time because of him. Finally my boss helped me out of the relationship, but the torture persisted until graduation.” He took a deep breath. “The quad was where he shot himself, claiming that he may’ve been holding the gun, but it was my inability to love him that made him pull the trigger.” Biting his lip, he sighed heavily. “Three months ago was the anniversary and. . . I got a call from his mother. And she said she wished she could have me put in prison, because, well. . .” he gave a soft laugh, “because I couldn’t love, and that’s why her son was dead.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It’s been ten years and not a year goes by that I wish that it didn’t end like this. That I’m not in a foul mood or drunk on what is supposed to be the happiest day.”

“So the line about me finding someone my own age was bullshit?” Dean asked quietly, his fork poised over his untouched and cooling food. The more Lucifer told him the less appetite he had. 

“Dean, you of all people should’ve known I don’t give a rat’s ass about age unless they’re not legal,” Lucifer chuckled. “I sabotaged us, Dean, and there’s no amount of apologies that I can give that’ll make it right.” He looked down and away, biting his lip. “I don’t want you to go. I didn’t want you to go then, either but I. . . I. . .” he felt his voice get caught in his throat and he swallowed. 

Laying down his fork, Dean pushed his plate back a few inches and leaned back in his chair to stare at Lucifer. “I don’t want to rehashed everything we said. What you said. But if we’re going to make this work you have to realize I am not your ex and I’m not going to live with an drunk. We’ve got too much work to do for you to fall in a damned whiskey bottle.”

“I’m only truly drunk on that day,” Lucifer said honestly, “And I make damn sure of that. I don’t even keep alcohol at home unless you’re coming over, and you know that. I haven’t even gone down to visit Mikey at the bar in three months.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I know you’re not my ex, Dean. God knows I know that. And I’m  _ so  _ thankful every day that you’re not like him.”

“Good,” Dean nodded slowly, “I don’t like being lashed out for something I didn’t have anything to do with.” He took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh, “I swear that if he were still alive I’d kick his ass just on principle. He was full of shit.”  Dean stood up from his chair and rounded the table, pushing Lucifer’s chair back then sitting in his lap. “You are very loveable and even though you didn’t say it, you’re loving. Otherwise you’d have hit it and quit it with me a year ago.” 

Lucifer buried his face into Dean’s chest, trying to hide the onslaught of tears and emotions that welled up within him from Dean’s little speech. He hiccupped and coughed, still not used to using his voice, and he took a deep breath, trying to right himself as he held Dean close. 

“You remember how I was having a hard time figuring out how to tell mom about you?” Dean asked as he pressed his cheek to the top of Lucifer’s head, “Well, I told her after you kicked me out that night and she told me something that stuck with me.” 

“Wha’s tha’?” Lucifer asked thickly, his voice obviously tear-stained.

“He’s a fucking idiot and if he hasn’t burned out his last braincell, he’ll realize what he’s done and come back.” Dean quoted, then laughed, “I’ve never heard her drop the ‘f’ bomb outside of traffic.” 

Lucifer gave a watery chuckle and nodded. “Yeah, that’s accurate. Me, the fucking idiot who tried to get rid of the best thing that’s ever happened to him.” He gave a quiet sniffle. “I’m so sorry, Dean.” 

“I accept the apology but it might take a little while to forgive you completely, but you know what?” Dean said, sitting back and brushing the hair away from Lucifer’s face. 

“What?” Lucifer asked softly, looking up at Dean, gnawing on his lower lip. Tears streaked down his face and it was obvious he was hating himself for what he had done.

“I still love you,” a smirk broke out on Dean’s face as he finished, “Old Scratch.”

Lucifer gave a warm smile and he sniffled. “I love you, too,” he whispered. He looked down, then back up at Dean again, his body relaxing a little bit. It was obvious that he wanted to ask Dean something, but was nervous to from the way he bit his lower lip, a bad habit of his. 

Dean noticed the way Lucifer was trying to bite back something, so using his thumb Dean tugged his lip free and gave it a quick kiss, “Spit it out, Luc’.”

Lucifer blinked at the quick kiss and looked up at Dean. “Can... can I kiss you? Please?” he asked softly, licking his lips. 

“A proper kiss?” Dean asked as he bumped his nose against Lucifer’s. 

Lucifer nodded, bumping his nose against Dean’s back. “Please,” he whispered. 

“I’d be really disappointed if you didn’t at some point,” Dean whispered back. 

Lucifer leaned in and kissed Dean softly, and his entire body sagged in relief as he gave Dean a chance to reciprocate or draw away. 

Circling his arms around Lucifer’s neck, Dean kissed him back tenderly and with a touch of passion. 

Lucifer ran his hands up Dean’s sides as he kept kissing him, finally feeling a bit like his old self again, now that he knew that Dean’ wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

Dean was content to continue kissing but his stomach had other ideas. It grumbled loudly in protest of being so close to food and not receiving any. Breaking away, Dean genuinely smiled for the first time. “I guess I should eat before my stomach thinks my throat's been slit.” 

Lucifer smiled and gave a soft laugh. “Yours and mine both,” he said, giving another quick kiss. 

“Then eat your breakfast and stop beating yourself up for five minutes.” Dean said as he slipped out of Lucifer’s hold and went back to his chair. 

Lucifer flushed and tucked himself back into his breakfast. “Am I that obvious?” he asked. 

“Painfully,” Dean shoved a mouthful of pancake into his mouth and winked at the older man. He wasn’t kidding when he said it might take time to get over this bump in the road, but at least Dean felt like they were on the right path for the first time in months. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find us on tumblr @madamelibrarian or @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell
> 
> Comments and Kudos are Shiny!!


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